Emoticon Suicide
Good Bye, Old Friends. . .
September 30, 2007
Forty More
Found At {{Awake}}
(For Temur)
She paced back and forth, and back again. White tiles of vinyl, canvasses, blank as her mind. Nothing could be heard but the silence, for they were all under sedation in ward E2. She sighed to herself. Only thirty minutes left to endure. It was the same everyday, quickened paces across the sterile floor, checking the clock a little too frequently. She felt guilty at times for her boredom, her insensitivity, but it had all become too routine. Patients became numbers, faces caricature-like illustrations and days were identical from one to the next. One minute left. Pivoting on her heel, she walked briskly back to the staffroom, signed her name off on the time sheet and left.
She drove a black BMW, the most expensive kind. When she bought it, she had convinced herself that this was what she needed, a reward to herself. She was a good doctor, always punctual, caring, thorough. Isn’t that what it was all about? Helping people, feeling good inside and all the rest? One of the most honorable professions, which nevertheless many people still did just for the money. She wanted to give back to the world, after leeching from it for so long. So she worked long hours, from dawn until dusk, it was never enough. She loved her job and started to feel personally responsible for these innumerable faceless people. She thought of it as a sort of path to to inner redemption, but instead she was elevated by the people to the status of a local saint.
She pulled up the driveway, the light of the porch was always left on so that she wasn’t left rummaging for her keys in the darkness. Darren was thoughtful like that. He was already home, and so inevitably dinner had been prepared, ready and waiting for her return.
She hesitated a little at the last turn of the key, trying to make as little noise possible. Tonight like many nights, she didn’t want to be heard, hoping to slip in for once unnoticed. The latch clicked loudly, betraying her. Darren waltzed into the hallway from the kitchen, still wearing an apron, beaming at her with a bright smile upon his face, despite the evident tired look in his eyes. “Lu, you’ll never guess what I’ve cooked for us tonight! A real feast fit for not just the eyes, I’ll say.” His eyes darted excitedly.
When she didn’t answer he started examining her face for any evidence of what she might be thinking. As if though somehow, if he tried hard enough, he might be able to see into her soul. At times he was like this, a small child, proud and excited about the small things in life. Lu forgave him his child-like innocence, and only wished that it was something that she too still had. It was for this very reason that she adored him.
They had met in their last year of high school, and had been together ever since. Darren was now a small time salesman at a used furniture store, and she, as a doctor, had always been the main breadwinner. He had wanted them to get married, and by now have had two children, but she couldn’t find it in her heart to say yes, and she had no time or desire for the traditional family unit. Of course, he always conceded to her wishes, even though he didn’t have to.
They lived a rather conventional life, in a quiet suburb near to the city and the hospital. Every so often they would travel interstate to visit family, or to some island for the obligatory couples holiday. The sex was average, and sometimes she was satisfied, but mostly she just agreed to it to keep him happy. If there had been a time when there was passion, she couldn’t remember it, but nevertheless they lived quite contentedly on this arrangement.
They chatted about the trivial things of their day over the dinner table, cleared the plates away and watched a few hours of intriguing soaps on television before bed.
…
A new day of work and she started as usual, right on the clock. The secretary greeted her just as merrily everyday, and each time she managed back but a polite smile. She started her rounds, walking briskly down the hall, when something caught her eye, causing her to retrace her steps back to the doorway.
Someone new, unlike any that she’d seen before. She entered the room, cautiously approaching the bed. The woman lay there almost motionless, save for the subtle rising and falling of her chest with each breath. Sunlight trickled in from the window splaying a luminescent haze across her face, highlighting her soft features.
It was the most beautiful image that Lu had ever seen, and immediately she felt oddly allured by her. It wasn’t that she was uncommonly pretty or possessed the likes of superior physicality in form, but an iridescent glow which seemed to float an aura all around her.
A nurse walked by, bringing the medications.
“Someone new?”, Lu commented.
“Ah yes, she came in just this morning.”
Lu stood there a few moments more, surveying this ethereal figure. She wondered but doubted ultimately if she could ever be so stark. She couldn’t figure out what it was, the key to being so beautiful. Usually it was confidence, their attitude, or manner, but how could one so serenely lying and motionless emit such strong tenor?
…
That night, she returned home to Darren much colder than before. She didn’t comment about dinner that night, nor utter a word as they absorbed TV. She couldn’t get that strange feeling or that woman out of her mind, but it felt like an inappropriate thing to mention. Although they had sworn to strive to do their best to communicate, with this it just didn’t feel natural. She wouldn’t know what to expect from him anyway, and so decided that it would be better to leave it be, thoughts pass with time.
In bed when he put his arms around her, Lu lay there unmoving and unresponsive. She lay awake for hours, staring at the ceiling, illuminated by the street lights outside.
…
Upon her arrival to the ward, she strode swiftly to the room of the patient apparition, anxious to once again look upon her face and she was not to be disappointed, the woman lay there motionless with an air of tranquillity, just as before. Lu felt unexpectedly aroused.
The woman opened her eyes. They were deep set shadows, which at first held a look of bewilderment before calming once more.
“You must be doctor Cating” She spoke.
“Yes, I am.” Lu was a little surprised.
“I’ve heard so much about you from the nurses.” The woman smiled.
“Is that so?”
“They told me that I was lucky you were currently working in this ward. They say you’re among the best and that to be in one of your wards is almost a privilege.”
Lu didn’t know how to respond, she’d always felt awkward with such praise. She compromised with a smile.
“I can’t imagine how it is for you”, the woman began. “I’ve been a business woman throughout my life.” she chuckled.
“There’s nothing wrong with enterprising…” Lu started.
“No” smiled the woman, “But there is little virtue in that. We are of the same age, I would guess, you and I. But we’ve lead very different lives. I’ve dedicated my energies to profit, for my family and for myself. I’ve never really had the notion to give back to the world from which I’d sucked. You on the other hand, you’re a local saint.”
“I’ve made unnecessary sacrifices…”
“That’s exactly what I mean. You put others in front of yourself, something that I have never done, probably never would to such an extent. And now it’s almost time to go.”
Lu wondered how such words could come from a woman who appeared almost as an angel. Praising her, the one most human and flawed between them.
“But you’ve always done what you wanted. You had a family for yourself and you profited out of your own hard work. You’ve seen and experienced more things than I have, or ever will, as a doctor. I witness everyday someone else’s tragedies, drama and fortune. It’s like living life through a television screen, the perpetual audience.”
“Life isn’t about your work, doctor. Your profession does not make you. There are hundreds of other doctors, and yet you stand out in your field the most. It is our ideals and our subsequent actions that determine who we are.”
Lu had never really believed that line. People don’t interact indiscriminately. Your profession, your life, those were your choices. Those were the things that people immediately saw in you, judged you for and valued your worth upon. She didn’t quite know how to answer, but by the time she glanced back over to the woman, she had already fallen asleep.
Lu examined the file at the foot of her bed. AIDS. No. That can’t be right. Taken aback, Lu glanced around her. Taking a clean needle from her briefcase, she promptly numbed the woman’s arm and withdrew blood. Slipping the needle back into a sleeve and shutting the briefcase, she quickly left the ward and strode toward the laboratory to test the sample.
Positive.
No. It can’t be, she refused to believe it. Why her? This was the last kind of person she could ever have suspected to be condemned. Perhaps it was that she wanted to be just like her, Lu thought to herself. Directing her life, or at least, knowing it.
They were of the same age, with different philosophies and different lives. The woman knew of her own potential, and yet Lu could but contemplate hers. It wasn’t fair. She needed to know more, feel more. She just didn’t know what to think any more.
That strange reaction. She had never felt aroused by a woman before, it led her to wonder, was there anything more to it? What more had she never considered, or worse repressed in herself? There were so many theories, countless alternatives running through her mind, what if? What if she had done all that she’d ever wanted? What if she no longer lived with regrets? She felt a mixture of anguish and insatiable curiosity, it was almost unbearable.
That night she returned home, her head throbbing and her mind out of focus. Darren was half expecting her reaction to be identical to that of the night before, and so he didn’t press her for interaction. They ate their dinner in silence, absorbed some television, and went to bed. Darren grasped at her hand as they lay there in the darkness, but her fingers remained limp.
…
The days went on, and even her visits to this patient became routine. Her heart grew colder towards Darren, but the more he fondly persisted. At times he loved her so hard that she could feel it, and the more she felt guilty for subjecting him to silence. But she couldn’t help it. Her mouth felt dry and her tongue refused to make out any coherent speech, she remained mute.
The days dragged into weeks and Darren could no longer bear it. He had to know what was going on. For twelve years they had been together. They were happy, he thought, and from what he knew, she was always open to him in the past. At the back of his mind he wondered if she might be having an affair, but he quickly pushed the idea out of his mind, realizing it seemed ridiculous without proof. Worse he thought, that he himself had to her done something wrong, thereby causing her to reject him so. It was eating at him from the insides that he could never know.
…
She stood gazing at her. The silence of the ward resonating within her mind and she felt herself almost drifting, her feet the traitors staying grounded. She yearned so badly to touch her, as if by some miracle that she would feel something profound.
She reached out a hand, hesitantly edging closer, fearing rejection, but the siren just smiled. Her hand came to rest upon the warm outline of her thigh, separated only by a thin sheet. Lu’s heart beat madly, and she calmed her breathing, afraid that she would somehow ruin it all if she let herself go. She slid her hand up further, a tingling sensation ran up her spine. Her fingers followed the heat, slowly tracing down beneath the sheet to the wet.
The woman took hold of the collar of her uniform, pulling her closer and leaning up towards her face. Their lips met and the warmth spread from one mouth to the next, their tongues intertwining, Lu felt herself begin to fall.
…
When Lu came back from work that night, she did not find Darren in their house, waiting with dinner prepared. It was odd, she thought, but didn’t contemplate it any further. She was still shaken from her encounter.
Nonchalantly, she began to prepare a meal for the two of them, realizing that he would be back shortly, and that he was probably just doing overtime.
Darren had driven to the hospital, but was stopped at the reception of the ward by the secretary.
“I’m sorry sir, but visiting hours are over, I cannot let you in. Perhaps if you would like to come back tomorrow between the hours of…”
“No, that’s quite alright, I’m not here to see a patient.” He answered calmly. “I just wanted to inquire about my girlfriend, Lu. I’m worried, she hasn’t been acting quite herself lately and I was wondering if perhaps she has been working too hard, or if she has somehow been stressed out at the hospital.”
“Well, no sir. Dr. Cating has been as vigilant as ever.” The secretary paused, a plump and cheery woman, searching for the right words to say. “Although… just between you and I, there is one thing. I’ve noticed that she’s been spending a lot of time in room 301. Now normally it’s not unusual, for sometimes she believes the a specific patient might need some extra care…” She paused, not knowing how to break it to him, and unconsciously adding emphasis in effect. “There used to be a patient in there, but the room has been empty for three weeks now.”
Darren stood shocked for a moment, unsure of how he should take this or how he should react. It seemed totally uncharacteristic, for Lu had never been one for eccentricity, or so he thought. But ever since the beginning of her strange behaviour, he began to wonder just how much that he didn’t know, and the idea it no longer seemed infeasible.
…
Upon arrival home, Darren noticed that the porch light had been left on for him, and for a split second he could almost imagine that things were the way they used to be. He smiled to himself momentarily, but it soon dropped to a grimace as opened the door.
The lights inside were off, the food sat cold and unappealing on the table and Lu was straddling one one of the dining chairs by the window, staring up at the night sky.
“Lu?” He began, approaching slowly, strangely perturbed by her stance.
“Have you ever thought about how strange it is, for billions of people to be looking up at the same sky?”
“I don’t know if I quite understand what you mean.” Darren replied quietly.
“From anywhere in the northern or southern hemisphere of the planet, people can be staring up at the night sky, thousands of kilometres apart, and still be looking at the same stars.” She had a strange smile upon her face, like she had finally reached something. Darren was at a loss for words, and did not know how she expected him to answer. It was so irrelevant to anything at all, but it was as if she had had some kind of epiphany. He opened his mouth to start some small talk, hoping to open her up, but she ignored him.
“Come outside.” She beckoned excitedly, motioning for him to follow her as she walked out barefoot onto the cold damp grass. He followed reluctantly.
She gazed up toward the moonlit canvas, it was speckled with all sorts of fantastical elements, so far away from her reality. Darren followed her gaze, trying to see and hoping to somehow be able to understand what it was that she was so fascinated about, but he could see nothing. It was a bright and clear starry sky, nothing unusual about it. He couldn’t imagine it as being anything any more beautiful or intriguing than what they had on earth. How could something so abstract, touch someone? He could not comprehend the thoughts that flew through Lu’s head. He could only feel a sinking sadness. What had happened to them?
He glanced over at Lu, catching only her silhouette from the moon’s glare. It took a moment of focus before he suddenly realized what was happening and went into a state of panic.
“Lu! What the hell are you doing? Put that thing down!”
He tried to wrestle the syringe off her, but he could already see the blood trickling down her arm. He winced as he witnessed the dark red pumping down the plastic tube into her veins. She looked back at him and gave him a radiant smile, and he could already feel her fading away from him. He reached out frantically, flailing as he tried to hold her back, but it was too late. With new found vigour she aimed for the sky, feeling freer than ever before. She lifted her arms and she floated away.
© 2007 Naatiu
